For Martin.

Sometimes it hits me so suddenly that it takes my breath away. 

It's the way things remind me of you-when I have a sleeping kid in my arms, or when I see a book you love, or when I hear something that sounds like your laugh. 

And the pain comes fast and it comes strong and it lingers. 

There are days when I would fly a million miles just to tuck you into bed and kiss your little cheeks. 

There are times when I wish that I could scream across the world that I love you and miss you and want you in my arms. 

There are nights when I fall asleep with Google Earth on a screen next to my bed, windows open and lights off, imagining that I am a dot on my computer screen, picturing that I am in that place next to you. 

Coming home

This week is a tough one. 
This is the week that I would have been coming home had I stayed in Kenya the amount of time that I originally planned for. 

This week I got a call that Martin had been to the hospital because he had a bug bite in his ear and it got infected.
This week Martin asked me on the phone when I am coming back.
This week I got to hear my baby say "love you" from thousands of miles away and I missed him so much that I almost wished he hadn't even said it. 

And I couldn't help but think that if I had stayed I would have been there to take him to the doctor. 
And if I had stayed he wouldn't have to ask when I'm coming back.
And if I had stayed I could hold him in my arms and hear him say "love you" a thousand times without having it hurt. 

So sometimes it's hard and sometimes I don't understand and sometimes I feel like screaming and crying and throwing things because it just hurts that much to be so far from someone I love so much. 

But most times, I am thankful that the plan changed. 
I am glad that I've been home to go through so many different transitions with my family. 
I love getting to help my sister plan her wedding. 
I love being a part of decisions about my family's new house.
I love getting to see my family and friends and boyfriend.
I love getting to nanny my three favorite American kiddos. 

There is so much good in the time that I have been home.
But this week is still tough, and it still hurts to be away from my Martin.
There is good that comes in knowing he is being loved and he is loving and he is growing and laughing and playing, it's just hard to know that I am missing it. 

I want to share his sweet voice and sweet laughter with you though. Because there isn't a person in the world who shouldn't get to hear such a wonderful sound. (and sorry you can't see his sweet face, we had no power during the filming of this gigglefest <3 )